Wednesday, December 31, 2014


Dinosaurs were hunted to extinction during the ice age. Their meat lasted for generations and thus, farming was born. Humans were able to eventually reproduce comfortably and in large numbers while all that was left were small, relatively uninteresting specimens. There were legendary hunters in those days. Giant killers. Men of renown. The skill of destruction was prized above all else. The technology involved was at its peak. Civilization was built around the value of meat. Great chefs were admired and looked upon with awe. Magical. Almost frightening in a way. They were treated like royalty but kept as slaves. A man could be kidnapped for his ability with a barbecue. Massive pits of oil were produced from the cooking that have lasted to this day.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


Intelligence has lost most of its value in this day and age. It becomes very difficult to find anything genuine in it anymore. It's just another claim. So many self-proclaimed smart people are nothing more than the equivalent of that pussy who hung around with the tough guys back in the 90s and demanded that all the geeks recognise him as tough. All the while never really proving himself to either side. People consider each other smart now by comparing who and what they agree with. It's not about individual efficiency of thought or creativity by any means. It's definitely not about imagination as that's been getting systematically stamped out for some time now. All you have to do is Like the same shit that other allegedly smart people are Liking and you're in. Better yet, just make fun someone or some group for being stupid and get as many people as you can to agree with you. Boom, you just became smart. Never mind education. Just publicly Like the school you would have ideally gone to if you were actually smart and no one will know any different. They won't even think any different. Nobody thinks anymore. Thinking is just something people talk about now. A relic to be appreciated from a bygone age, but never actually indulged in for fear of identifying yourself as the phony that you are.
I've got nothing against actual smart people, but phony smart people need to have their shit kicked out of them. Simple as that.

This genius wouldn't know what to do with himself without his precious tech.
His memes are EPIC!

Hmmm... Is he really a sapiosexual, or does he just have a thing for pretty girls who wear glasses?
Sapiosexual makes him sound way smarter. His profile should reflect that.

Uh-oh, looks like somebody learned how to fight on Youtube.
I'll bet he sure was smart though.

Thursday, December 25, 2014


Why aren't we building pyramids right now? With so many people demanding that we all worship the majesty of our modern science and technology what is it that's holding us back from building pyramids of our own? Who decided that all of our buildings should be squares and rectangles? Fuck rectangles! Rectangles are bullshit. You fly a plane into a rectangle and the whole fucking thing comes crashing down. Pyramids are permanent. They last hundreds of thousands of years. Maybe even millions of years. Mind you I also don't understand why terrorists don't attack the great pyramids in Egypt. It might be because they're useless and destroying them would serve no purpose. Who cares? Fuck the pyramids anyway. Maybe they were something cool in a previous civilization where resources were unlimited and there was only one continent. The continents breaking apart probably has a lot to do with humans killing each other over trivial differences in philosophy. We could have been killing each other over things that actually mattered and building permanently solid structures like pyramids that we knew were going to last forever because what's the fucking point of building anything that isn't? People are idiots. They were probably way smarter back then. Less brainwashed anyway. Dinosaur meat was probably good for you. I'd love to eat dinosaurs. Why aren't reptiles growing this big anymore? Are they just not living long enough anymore? I've got too many questions. I'm trying to type as fast as I can think but it's not really working. Typos really piss me off and when I see one I have to fix it straight away. It slows down the flow. Once it stops it can stop for minutes at a time and you might never get it back again. Speaking of pissing me off I think I might beat the shit out of someone soon. I know that I shouldn't but I also know that this story ends the same way every time so it's coming one way or another. I didn't ask to be a sociopath. I don't know. So many people just don't like leaving me the fuck alone. I get the impression sometimes that there are guys who, deep down, really want to get punched out by me out of simple curiosity. I think they really want to find out how long it will take before I do it and how long they're going to last once I do. Whatever. I tried to be a normal person but the world won't let me. I tried to put violence behind me but the truth is I'm actually pretty comfortable with it as a regular part of my life. My foot is slowly getting better. The imbalances in my hips and lower back that come from being one one leg for so many months and then limping since then have left my legs relatively weak. That weakness won't last though. I've been weak before and I've been strong before. I've been back and forth more than once and I have to say honestly that I like strong way better. That preference alone means that eventually I'll be way ahead of the average person again in terms of strength, stamina and speed. It's funny that the average person seems have no idea whatsoever just how weak he is. These guys think they"know how to fight" because, fuck, I don't know, they've seen some good movies or some shit. This is real life though. You can fuck off with your movies. For years I tried to crush any violent thoughts in my mind. I wouldn't let myself daydream about beating the shit out of people around me because I "knew" it was "wrong." I'm not so sure it is anymore though. I never thought it was when I was younger. I used to really enjoy smashing people. It was part of how I expressed myself. Then I got into this mindset that I shouldn't be that way anymore because people don't like being picked on and beat up. As years go by though, it occurs to me more and more that it's them or me. When I'm not fucking with people, people are fucking with me. Then I'm reminded that I spent the majority of my childhood drilling martial arts and working out so that I could be the one doing the fucking and not them. Who the fuck do people think they are? Do you know how disgusting it is to look a person in the eyes whom you know you could kill with your bare hands and just allow them to insult you? Not just that but a person who you don't even have to kill or even knock out. Someone you can literally beat to tears and just throw him around like a rag doll or twist him into a pretzel for as long as you like until it gets boring. See right about now is where I would remind myself that thoughts like this are bullying and bullying is not cool. I'm not doing that anymore. I'd rather let my mind unwind again and let nature take it's course. Somebody wants a round? Give him what he wants. If I was in charge of all this technology I'd be putting up some pyramids. Serious ones. Way bigger than any of the ones that are already up. I might even knock those ones down. I don't give a shit how much space they'd take up or how much resources they would consume. Fuck this planet. I'll happily watch this whole world crumble and burn. I want to see mushroom clouds before I die. I've been waiting for them all my life. And looting looks like fun.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

You can't afford to be useless

The absolute worst thing a man can be is useless
You can get by on stupid
You can get by on ugly
But you cannot get by on useless
Not for a moment
Violence and oppression equal control. Don't talk about it, use it or have it used against you.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Stupid Expressions That Get Used Online

mind = blown
Nothing on here is "mind-blowing." Pull your faces away from those screens in your hands and experience some shit in real life.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore
Go live somewhere else then. You might want to think about your options first though, if you're capable of thinking anymore. Don't rule out suicide. That might actually be a great way to blow your mind.

Wake up
Who are you to tell anyone to wake up? You're on the Internet, motherfucker. You're not awake. As a matter of fact you probably should be sleeping, but you're not asleep either. You're in some kind of transitional, in between state of consciousness that your precious, beloved science probably hasn't come up with a word for yet. Oblivious to the real world and relentlessly tearing through "cyberspace," looking for opinions in line with your own and getting offended by any that aren't.

Where is the outrage
Take a look, numbnuts. It's everywhere.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Broken Issues

These guys are friends of mine. Follow them on Sound Cloud or be a goof.

And anybody who doesn't like them needs a smack.

Batman said he'd rather listen to something else. 

Now all he's listening to is the ringing in his ears.
And you're next!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Fitness Industry thrives on Hate

 A friend of mine linked this page on Facebook. Twenty-one people having more fun in the gym than this broad.
My foot's broken right now so I've got a lot of time to sit still. So I wasted some of that time letting it piss me off and ranting about it.

This sort of thing is a big part of the reason I stopped training in gyms. What gets me about pages like that is that they're clearly written by people who suck at working out and have become bitter about it because they'll always suck.

It may seem like sour grapes but the fact is it ends up being people like me who get pressured away from gyms so that haters like this can have them for themselves. And for what? Just so they can find more and more shit to hate about everybody else there. 

The girl with makeup. What?! Who the fuck cares?

The guy who tries to lift "too much." Fuck off. Who are you to judge? If you want to be strong, sometimes you're going to fail some lifts.

The person texting between sets. Unless I was waiting for the squat rack I never cared what anybody did between sets.

Personal trainers. I never needed one so they used to leave me alone.

The overachiever. Jealous? Guess what, haters, the "over-achievers" are not even aware that you exist. You're invisible to us. Pylons. It's not because we don't like you, you just don't matter.

The addict. The addict is even less aware of you. Some people actually like working out and go to the gym because that's where the weights are.

The know-it-all. Ok, nobody likes a know-it-all. Gym setting or otherwise.

Person trying to talk while you're wearing headphones. Seriously?

Person taking selfies. I can't comment here because these people didn't exist yet when I was still training in gyms.

The couple. Boo-fucking-hoo. So you can't get in shape and you can't get laid either.

The person who just goes to stretch. How does anybody even have the spare time to notice this? Fuck, go lift something. Never mind who's stretching.

The person who forgot to wear clothes. Whatever. I don't like clothes. Hate all you want.

The person rocking her new Lululemon. I don't even know what this is.

The person who forgot to wear deodorant. I've probably been this person, but in my defense I can't smell myself. Anyway I used to go to gyms to lift weights. If I had gone to just hang out and hate I wouldn't have sweat so much but I also would have been a loser.

Creepy guys watching girls from the back. I can't relate to this one either because I never did group classes. I was too busy lifting weights and minding my own business and being hated on for it. 


Old naked people. Get over it for fuck sake.

People who don't wipe off machines. Wipe it your goddamn self.

People who only go the beginning of January. Ummmm... So?

Person taking enough space for three people. Fuck off! Grow some fucking balls. You want space, take it. If you can't take it, it was never meant to be yours.

The noise maker. This is me right here. I make a lot of noise. I'm also pound for pound one of the strongest steroid-free lifters in Ontario so I'm obviously doing something right. Put your fucking headphones on. You won't need to worry about me talking to you, I'm busy.

The socialiser. The haters might have friends too if they did anything other than bitch about what everyone else in the gym is doing.

Honestly, 21? This bitch narrowed it down to 21. That means before she narrowed it down she must have had more than 30 different archetypes that she just couldn't stand at the gym. Seems to me that she just doesn't like going to the gym. There's a simple solution to that. Don't fucking go. Leave it for the people who actually want to be there.

The fitness industry caters more to the people who hate working out and hate anyone who likes working out than it does to the ones who actually enjoy it. 

I don't even know why people like this join gyms. Or why they feel the need to work out at all. They'd clearly be happier doing something else. Health reasons seems like the obvious reason. First thing I thought of anyway. Like their last doctor's appointment didn't go so well so now they're going to get in shape by joining a health club. It's not healthy for you though if it's stressing you out that much.

Motivation seems to be very popular right now. Everybody wants to motivate each other to work out. Not me. Not with everybody anyway. I say if you don't want to work out don't I'd rather talk those people out of working out. Find a hobby you enjoy instead. Kind of like I did when I started lifting weights as a teenager. 



Thursday, June 12, 2014


On Saturday I did the Mudcat Festival Strongman Contest again. Second Place this year. The guy who won came second last year and swore he was going to train his ass off and beat me this year. So good for him, I guess. If I'm going to lose to somebody it might as well be a guy 10 years younger than I am who devotes a year of his life to doing it. I dominated the lightweight division at the Mudcat for 13 years, maybe it's just his turn.

My wife couldn't come this year because she was working so I don't have a lot of pictures and videos to post like I usually do. My brother got some but he hasn't sent them to me yet so I haven't even seen them. I do have one video though and it's pretty much the only one that matters as far as this post is concerned anyway.

It's being a pain in the ass to upload. What the fuck?

Not my best performance ever but it's the same number of reps I got last year with, I believe, the same amount of weight. Thing is, I didn't even train the overhead press this year.

I had a back injury at work this winter which set me back a few months in training and I had a shoulder injury about a month ago that set me back again so "training" wasn't much at all this year. But a few months ago I made a friendly bet with my friend Johnny Grube that I would use pushups as my only upper body exercise leading up to the competition this year. He gave me a copy of his new book to read and I promised him I'd give him an honest review of it after the contest.

See, I'm not like other assholes online who skim through a book and then immediately post a positive review for their buddies. I'm all about results and any book about pushups is only as good as the results you achieve after you've read it.

As you can see, the book is entitled simply PUSHUPS and that's exactly what it's about. Johnny Grube has literally written the book on pushups. There are other ones out there, sure, but fuck them. They're not written by a guy with 14 world records, are they?

There are some typos and grammatical errors but they're easy to look past. Honestly, if you're the type to get hung up on that sort of thing, it's probably not just a coincidence that you also suck shit at pushups. I'll give you some free advice: Fuck off.

In cases like this it's the content that matters anyway and this one is as solid as you need it to be. Nothing complicated, no silly contortionist acts or circus bullshit. If you've been stuck hovering around 50 reps for a while you can get to 100 pretty easily within a few months following the guidelines Grube puts forth in this book. You'll also find a very commonsense approach to getting better at one arm pushups without any of the tricks and silliness I've seen elsewhere.

What I started to find during this experiment was that my shoulders started to adopt a different resting position than what one might get when regularly using the allegedly Russian high tension parlour tricks or slow motion nonsense that's currently popular for whatever reason. Not that it probably matters much but it was something I noticed. I also noticed my traps getting denser and becoming more involved whenever I would do pushups.

Coincidentally, the form Johnny Grube recommends for the basic pushup is the same as what all the fighters at McGrory's Boxing Club use here in Hamilton. Do your pushups this way for a while and you'll notice your punches get faster and crisper. I did. And my arms started to get a very solid feeling from the inside out, much like the type of strength your legs have just from the simple fact of them being used to support your weight for long periods of time. And on any occasion that you feel like doing some letter perfect form pushups, the best warmup for that I've found yet is 100 reps done explosive style like you'll read about in this book. It doesn't have to be 100 reps. It can be more or less than 100. But if you do as many as you can this way, your body suddenly has no choice but to use what's commonly thought of as "perfect form" if you hope to do anymore. Next thing you know, you're doing well over 100 reps in a set when you add it all together. And the concept is so simple I'm embarrassed I didn't think of it myself years ago.

There's more than just basic pushups covered in the book as well. And very possibly quite a few things you've never thought about trying before. You can get very strong doing a lot of pushups even if all you do is the basic two arm floor variety. It's all in how you attack them. It's almost a week ago that I put up more than my bodyweight over my head 11 times (I weighed 167 lbs that day) without even picking up a barbell most of the year and I wasn't fucking about with low rep "progressions," I was doing shitloads of pushups. As far as upper body strength is concerned I had no problems with any of the other events that day either. No more than I would have had if I'd been training with weights anyway. And pushups are cheaper and way more convenient.

Go to any weight room and have a look around at how many dipshits and geeks are crowding around the bench press stations. How many of them are strong? Truly strong? A very small percentage at best. Bench presses are a shitty exercise. Pushups are awesome. Anybody who can do 100 or more reps at a time is going to be unmistakably strong regardless of their size or build.

I don't actually know what Amazon is charging for this book. I got a signed copy for free because I'm way fucking cooler than you. But whatever it is, if you have any interest whatsoever in improving your ability to do quite possibly the best upper body exercise of all time and definitely one of the best overall exercises of all time, it's worth it. Get it, read it, use it or remain a nerd and a wannabe for the rest of your life. It's as simple as that.

If she reads that book before you do she'll be able to kick your ass. Put a bag on your head next time you shower.
You probably don't shower.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Best endorsement for a lifelong fitness regimen EVER

Solitary Fitness is one of my favourite fitness-themed books. And I've read quite a lot of them. It's one I find myself going back and rereading at least once or twice a year. It's densely packed with knowledge, Bronson has a very funny writing style and his methods are effective. Provided you never got bored with it, his system of diet and exercise and overall philosophy on healthy living is one that you could follow for literally the rest of your life. Well into your old age.

How do I know this? There's no reason at all to take my word for it. I'm a well established moron. I don't even publicly proclaim to fucking love science so what would I know? According to the Internet I can't even read or write. Well, last month Charles Bronson himself gave us all the proof we should need.

He wrote Solitary Fitness when he was 54 or 55 years old. To be in the kind of shape he was in at that time, at that age, was impressive in itself. But just recently at 61 years old he got pissed off about the outcome of a soccer game, smeared himself with butter and fought 12 prison guards. Twelve! How many guys in their 60s, even guys who still work out, will fight even one guy at a time, never mind 12? Sure, there are tough old guys out there. I know plenty of them. And with this being the Internet I'm sure anyone reading this knows twice as many of them as I do and they're all three times as tough.

This is a guy who, back when he wrote Solitary Fitness, claimed he hadn't been in a fight in about 10 years and he was very proud of that. And since then there had been a group actually protesting to get him freed from prison. Whatever; I knew he was never getting out and so did he.

I say good for him for fighting those guards. It sounds like they broke a few of his ribs but that sort of injury is to be expected when walking into a fight outnumbered. We're talking about 12 men, armed and armoured, most of them probably less than half his age. Obviously he knew he was going to lose but he didn't give a shit and I for one respect the Hell out him for that and I don't give a shit that he's a criminal either. My best friends growing up were criminals. So he likes to beat the shit out of bullies and child molesters. Let him do it!

Anyway, if a 61 year old man who hasn't been in a fight in the better part of two decades can decide out of the blue to have a go at 12 guys whose job it is to babysit a building full of guys just as crazy as he is, if not more so, over his favourite soccer team losing a game isn't proof enough that his fitness regime isn't solid as fuck, I don't know what is.

Charles Bronson is awesome. Every knew diddler that comes inside should have to spend an hour locked in a room with him. Maybe even once a week for the duration of their sentence. I can't even think of a better way to let this great man pay his debt to society.

It sounds like the Insane Clown Posse knows how to deal with kiddie pervs too.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Kettlebells have too many rules.

Kettlebells aren't a controlled substance. You can do whatever you want with them. You can walk into a store and buy one without anyone questioning you. Why should you then have to turn around and pay somebody to teach you how to use it? Should you need a fucking license to operate a kettlebell? Then you're supposed to pay somebody again to teach you how to teach someone else. Fuck that. It's a fun toy; fucking play with it.

Same goes for any other type of exercise. Working out is free.

You can work out with a horse if you want to. You don't need anybody's permission.

Monday, April 7, 2014

I just woke up from a dream where all the machines at work ran on punching bags. Fuck, that was cool.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bono's Autograph

Next time you're taking a shit and there's somebody in the next stall beside you, ask him if he wants to see Bono's autograph. Don't even bother waiting for him to answer. Just hand him a piece of toilet paper with shit on it under the wall.


Friday, February 14, 2014

Telepathy, Facebook and Cloning

Being telepathic would be like being on Facebook all the time. I don't think I would like that. Knowing what's going on in other peoples' heads is not all it's cracked up to be.

What is it with Facebook and people demanding you to "wake up" and think for yourself? As if anybody does that. Nobody is thinking for themselves when they're online. They're reading the thoughts of dozens of others, almost hoping to be persuaded by some of them. It's very strange. And conformity seems to be the rule there. I've never done well with conformity. Not because I'm some great rebel. More because I'm just a misfit anywhere I go. I could probably clone myself and I wouldn't get along with him either.

I wonder how hard t would be to beat up an exact clone of yourself. How long would it take to land that first sucker punch that changes the tide in your favour? Clones are probably assholes. If I hung out with one for an hour I think I'd end up wanting to kick the shit out of him for something or other.

The Elusive Sniper Deuce

One push. One wipe.

Sunday, February 9, 2014


Any given story in the bible seems to have been presented in as little detail as possible. There has to be a reason for this. Maybe it's because there simply wasn't much detail to go on. Maybe it's because these stories were being told by so many people that they were overloaded with conflicting details. In that case they'd have to be reduced to their most basic substance and nothing more. I sometimes wonder if it's because they actually wanted you to use your own imagination to fill in the missing blanks yourself.

Take the Easter story for example. We'll look at this one first only because it's one that most people are familiar with. No other reason.

During the last supper, Jesus told His disciples to drink of His blood and eat of His flesh. Just bread and wine at the time but what He meant by this might be fun to think about for a short while.

Go back a bit earlier and Jesus was able to share five loaves of bread and two fish with something like 5000 people. I don't remember it saying how much everybody got though. Was He able to feed everyone to the point of them all having a full belly after their meal? Or was it simply a matter of everyone simply getting a portion, be it a mouthful or a crumb? Did everyone get the same amount? This event is in all four of the gospels so you'd think somebody would know these things. But maybe those details just aren't as important as the simple fact that Jesus knew how to share, and that sharing is important. I guess whoever really wants a piece will be happy with what they get.

Jesus also told His disciples to go and make disciples of their own. Pass along His teachings to any of those who are willing to drop out of society, stop following the rules and worrying about money, hang out with the absolute dregs and encourage them to find "the kingdom" within themselves, etc. Sharing was important enough to Jesus that He wanted His disciples (and their disciples and whatever disciples after that) to be capable of sharing as well. He couldn't very well expect miracles from them, as they were just normal humans, but it could have been the effort itself that really mattered.

Now we get to the fun part. After the crucifixion He comes back in a few days. Some of His disciples find this extremely difficult to believe and understandably so, they want to see and touch the holes in His hands and feet, and in His side.

These guys all claimed not to know Him while He was on the cross. They didn't want to get in trouble and be subjected to a similar treatment so I can understand that as well. But they were all put to death afterward swearing that they'd seen Him alive again. Crucified upside down if I remember correctly. Crucifixion being the most painful method of execution ever devised, I can only imagine upside down being just a little bit worse. What changed? Were they simply just so fucking cool all of a sudden that they couldn't lie about their experiences with Christ? Why not? They lied about it before.

Maybe it was cannibalism that made all the difference. Something pretty extreme had to have happened during these visits. And I can't be the first person to think about this because it's a pretty obvious interpretation but one that will get dismissed by most Christians. Probably because they need to tell themselves that Heaven is an infinite place where everyone is welcome so long as they believe in Jesus. I'm going to take it a step further anyway because I'm an asshole, I'm bored, and I don't necessarily give a shit what most Christians believe. Your imagination is a gift. Use it or lose it.

I'm not talking about the stupid Zombie Jesus jokes that Atheists propagate every Easter on Facebook. That's way too easy. And besides, Jesus was never a zombie. He went and visited each of the disciples but He didn't try to eat any of them. They might have eaten Him though. His body was already mangled from His torture and execution days earlier. It would have been easy enough to rip off a chunk of it for one of His buddies to eat. This is the man who was able to split two fish and five loaves of bread between 5000 people, remember, so He should have had no trouble at all feeding Himself a bit at a time to 12 ass kissers.

So lets say He visits each disciple, gives away a bit of His body and His blood to eat and to drink, plus some leftovers for the disciples to share with anyone else they can convince to accept Christ as their savior. And Maybe Jesus' body never really dies, because He Himself is eternal, it just gets broken down into smaller and smaller portions (but somehow never runs out, much like the bread and the fish) and shared over and over for thousands of years. By now it'll be pretty hard for anybody to really get their fill, but maybe a bite is all they need.

Also by now, bits of His body and blood have been spread all over the world. Eaten and drunk by whatever lucky few can actually find some. But how much is left? And who is holding onto it? Do political religious institutions like the Vatican or others of its kind (the kind of institutions Jesus was very much against) have teams of commandos and spies scouring the planet for whatever they can retrieve and hoard somewhere for themselves?

Is the literal eating of His flesh and drinking of His blood the only way to join His father in Heaven? That would make all the figurative acceptance so common here on Earth right now absolutely worthless. And maybe Heaven isn't an infinite place but actually one with strictly limited space and you have to earn your way in through some rather extreme measure. There are modern faiths that believe similar things (work vs grace) so I'm not the first one here either. Converting people door to door is quite a bit less extreme than eating 2000+ year old human flesh but whatever. If the kingdom needs to be within you, get it in you.

So Jesus is alive, but split into thousands upon thousands of pieces and spread all over the Earth. Making Him significantly more difficult to find and you would be up against some dangerous resistance if you were searching. Imagine the stories that could be made from this perspective alone. Imagine being visited by a mangled, living human body and being suggested to devour a piece. How long would He still have been in one piece enough to still communicate with His physical voice? Did His cuts heal over? Did He look like an amputee covered in scar tissue or a constantly bleeding open wound with bones and organs protruding through what was left of His skin? How much convincing would it take to eat and drink of this? What did they do with His bones after they'd been picked clean? Boil them for stock? Needless to say, this would be a pretty extreme experience, that's for sure.

I don't ask or demand that anyone believe or agree with any part of this. It's just something I made up for fun.

My favourite story from the bible was actually the story of Samson from Judges. A very short story. It's only three or four chapters long. Judges 13 through 16 I think but it's been a while so I could easily be wrong. It doesn't matter anyway. Again, the details are kept to the absolute minimum with no emotional content whatsoever, just straightforward basic details. So you have to flesh out the rest of the story yourself.

One thing I always liked about this story was that the character of Samson is far from perfect. He's an asshole, a bully and a womanizer. He also doesn't seem very smart. My kind of a hero, what can I say? Most of the characters in the bible were full of imperfections.

On three or four occasions during this story, Samson goes apeshit as the spirit of the Lord comes over him and he either commits a pretty serious act of vandalism or a mass murder of ridiculous proportions. I'll focus on the murders. Burning down crops and stealing gates is funny and all, but they don't make for as much of an interesting story to me. I like murders and so does everybody else.

The most famous of these is when he picks up the jawbone of an ass and slays 1000 men. That's a pretty good score. It never says how long it took him though. Any movies I've seen about this, whether animated or live action, always have Samson fighting the Philistines head-on. Like Bruce Lee, he moves slowly about the center of the battlefield taking out anybody within reach. There's nothing wrong with that but the fact is it's been done.

What if Samson was portrayed rather as a stalker type of villain rather than a Bruce Lee type of antihero? What if he picked up the jawbone much like Micheal Myers picked up the kitchen knife in Halloween and then slowly hunted down 1000 Philistines one or two at a time? Maybe fucking with them constantly to the point that they're so scared shitless and exhausted by the time he gets face to face with any of them they can't do much but piss their pants before being brutally slain. And maybe this goes on for months. With stories circulating among the Philistine children about Samson as some kind of boogeyman.

There's never any mention of how big Samson is either. He's obviously very strong since he can rip the gate right off of Gaza's wall and carry it away.

But what if when he's not throwing one of his divinely induced tantrums he's just a regular sized guy, albeit with ridiculously long hair. Maybe even smaller than average. It might be interesting for a character like this to sneak around in the dark all night silently splitting wigs and ripping open throats instead of the usual battle scene where he spins though a shitload of soldiers all at once.

Again, just another possible interpretation for the sake of keeping a story very lacking in details a little bit more interesting. I don't expect anyone to believe it. It should be enough just to have fun with it.

None of these stories are going anywhere anytime soon. But the details will always be argued about and fought over. Details that, for the most part, aren't even there to begin with. Fuck it then. Make up your own.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Random thoughts

The first stance taught in karate is the front stance. The first block taught is the downward block. The first strike is the straight punch. The first kick taught in karate is the front kick. These are the most useful moves in karate and that's why they're taught first. Master the fuck out of them. The front kick is an absolutely vicious, devastating move when it's mastered. Very much overlooked when you consider how many katas it's included in and how early on it's taught.

Where katas are concerned, you need to work with the space you have available. Naihanchi and sanchin both take up very little space. They can be practiced pretty much anywhere. I say you should choose one to master and one to do whenever you're bored of the other one.

The first weapon taught is the staff or "long stick." The skills and abilities developed through long stick fight training translate very well to medium and short stick fighting. Some variation of a "stick" can be found pretty much anywhere. A four-foot length of dowel is perfect for training with. Again, with practice, you can use it in a very small space.