I would love to beat the shit out of Martin Short. He might be one of those guys who's really boring to beat up though. He strikes me as one of those types who wouldn't even hit you back. You could stomp him into a corner and he'd spend the first half of his beating shouting random bullshit like "What the fuck?" or "Fuck off!"
Then he might just shut the fuck up and turtle for a while, desperately hoping that someone will come along and help him.
Whatever his bodyguards are getting paid it's not enough. I think if I was one of Martin Short's bodyguards I'd give him a good shove at least once a day. Just a straight on, two-handed blast right in the chest and fire him all the way across the room. Watch him trip over the couch and do a flip over the back of it. Then just pretend like nothing happened and ignore him for the rest of the day. You don't want a guy like him to forget the fact that he's a goof and a human punching bag. He'd start taking his protection for granted if that ever happened. There are probably so many people that want to kick Martin Short in the balls that trying to protect him from all of us has got to be the hardest job in Hollywood.
Why the fuck does Martin Short even still exist? There's no reason anyone should even know who he is. Nothing he was ever in has ever been funny. Not because he was in it anyway. Any of his movies that were funny at all were because they had ensemble casts with funny people other than him picking up his slack. Same thing with SCTV before that. Any skit that was centred around him was crap and made me want to punch out my TV.
If I ever get within arms' reach of Martin Short I'm probably going to be arrested.
Martin Short is just a figment of your sick twisted imagination.
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