Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I wonder if I can beat up Chuck Norris

I've got an idea for the next great reality TV show. Every week I'll fight Chuck Norris. Sober the first week. Week two will be after six beers each. Week three will be 12 each. Week four we each drink a full case, and so on.
Sober I think he might still have a little something left in him and he might actually have a chance at beating me. However, with a six pack in each of us that might, at the very least, even us out because I don't think he drinks very much. At 12 each I'll just smash him right through the fucking floor because he'll be drunk as fuck and I'll just be getting warmed up. After 24 beers apiece he's got no chance at all. He'll be wasted at that point while I'll be rocking a half-decent buzz. I might even be able to knock him out with just one shot this week. Or put him down with one anyway, then I'll just drop the knees on him while he wonders where he is.
After week four it gets tricky. I'm not sure how many more beers I can drink past 24 because I don't ever count them. I do know I can keep going though but I doubt old Chuck Norris has got the endurance. Maybe we'll start adding shots to the mix after that. Or joints. Or both. I'll also be so fucking drunk that I'll probably want to start smoking cigarettes again. How are we going to factor that in?
Needless to say, you can see that this show is still only in its early development stages.



  1. I've enjoyed reading your stuff in the past, but this one was just weird...

  2. Looks like he stole your hat. That's why you want to beat him up, right?


    Oh, and you'll lose, dope! You'd need steroids and a machete plus case of beer to just begin to even mess up Chuck Norris' hair!

  4. I think you may be underestimating Chuck's alcoholic tendencies. As we all know, the televised documentary of his life, Texas Ranger, had 90% fight scenes in a bar.

  5. The longer he can keep up to me drink for drink the better his chances will be as the weeks progress. While he's sliding up and down on his Total Gym there I'll be working on my stamina by pounding rye and waters.

    Some of the most vicious beatdowns take place in the early mornings after house parties. There's always that one guy left who thought he could hang with the big boys and is now so bombed out of his mind he's probably been blacked out for hours. This is typically when these characters decide they want to convince you that they're "fighters." And that's usually when they get one-punched for running their mouths. Happens all the time.
    Seriously, depending on how much you can drink, sometimes you just wait a guy out for hours until you've forced him to extend himself beyond the point where he's staggering and slurring. The technique of the Masters.

  6. I actually never watched Walker, Texas Ranger. I remember thinking Lone Wolf McQuade was pretty good when I was a kid though.

  7. It's too bad Bruce Lee is dead because I just thought of a way to make that show even better. What did Bruce Lee weigh, about 97 lbs? I could whip him around my back like nunchuks while he screamed like a panicking cat and then use him to whack Chuck Norris across his stupid looking head. That would have made for some good TV. I should have my own television station.