Thursday, February 10, 2011

How to Kill Yourself

Somehow the topic of suicide came up at work today. We all agreed that killing yourself is a pretty chickenshit thing to do in the first place but I'd like to suggest that if you're going to do it, you should do it in the most non-chickenshit, ballsiest way possible.
Some suggestions:

Lock yourself in the bathroom and deny yourself water until you die of dehydration.

Hold your breath until you die of oxygen deprivation.

Smash your face into a tablesaw.

Better yet, get one of those big, two-person saws that lumberjacks use, put it upside down and then run your throat back and forth across it until your head falls off.

If I was going to kill myself I'd rip my own head off with my bare hands and then use it to kick a field goal before my body hit the ground.

Overdosing on drugs is for candy asses who'd rather be hospitalized than dead and get all kinds of bullshit sympathy from retards. Only a dipshit tries to OD because you just end up puking it all out. Drowning yourself in a bucket of said puke might be acceptable however.

Blowing your head off with a gun is a classic way out but by this point it's been done to death and become a cliche. It doesn't take much discipline either because it's over too quickly and therefore not very impressive. It would also be really messy. If I was one of those people whose job it was to clean up after dead bodies I'd be pissed off at some pussy who shot himself. Probably kick his stupid-looking corpse.

If I saw a dead body with pieces of silverware sticking out from the inside because he swallowed a whole tray of it I'd shake that corpse' cold, dead hand. Likewise if he flossed his teeth with barbed wire while standing on his head and then bled to death writing hilarious jokes and drawing stick people fucking each other in different positions with his own blood.

The last thing you ever do might as well be something I'd respect you for. Otherwise you're just another goof. Fuck you.

My coffee cup.


  1. Could beat yourself to death with your own fists. Or stop your heart at will.

    There was a guy in Southampton a coupe years ago that cut his own head off with a chainsaw to "illustrate the injustice" of being forced out of his council flat. I found that out from this entertaining list of interesting deaths:

  2. Shoot yourself in the stomach with a revolver six times. Go about your day/life doing everything you normally do until you either bleed to death or prove that you're too hardcore to die.

  3. "been done to death and become a cliche" awesome.

    D.Carradine's death would have been so much more "awesome" had he bled himself from too much self love, rather than a badly timed AEA.