Monday, February 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen is awesome.

I don't care what anybody says, Charle Sheen rules. I want to party with him.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Keg Push-Ups

Keg push-ups look easy but they're not. You have to hold the keg steady the entire time. They're fun though and slow-motion negatives are too.
In the background you can hear one of my daughters being a cheerleader and the other one claiming the dog just bit her.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

How to Kill Yourself

Somehow the topic of suicide came up at work today. We all agreed that killing yourself is a pretty chickenshit thing to do in the first place but I'd like to suggest that if you're going to do it, you should do it in the most non-chickenshit, ballsiest way possible.
Some suggestions:

Lock yourself in the bathroom and deny yourself water until you die of dehydration.

Hold your breath until you die of oxygen deprivation.

Smash your face into a tablesaw.

Better yet, get one of those big, two-person saws that lumberjacks use, put it upside down and then run your throat back and forth across it until your head falls off.

If I was going to kill myself I'd rip my own head off with my bare hands and then use it to kick a field goal before my body hit the ground.

Overdosing on drugs is for candy asses who'd rather be hospitalized than dead and get all kinds of bullshit sympathy from retards. Only a dipshit tries to OD because you just end up puking it all out. Drowning yourself in a bucket of said puke might be acceptable however.

Blowing your head off with a gun is a classic way out but by this point it's been done to death and become a cliche. It doesn't take much discipline either because it's over too quickly and therefore not very impressive. It would also be really messy. If I was one of those people whose job it was to clean up after dead bodies I'd be pissed off at some pussy who shot himself. Probably kick his stupid-looking corpse.

If I saw a dead body with pieces of silverware sticking out from the inside because he swallowed a whole tray of it I'd shake that corpse' cold, dead hand. Likewise if he flossed his teeth with barbed wire while standing on his head and then bled to death writing hilarious jokes and drawing stick people fucking each other in different positions with his own blood.

The last thing you ever do might as well be something I'd respect you for. Otherwise you're just another goof. Fuck you.

My coffee cup.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The U

Back in high school a friend of mine and I were beating on a guy during lunch and we came across this hold purely by chance. I put this guy in a Boston Crab and my friend put him in a simultaneous Camel Clutch. A few minutes later that hold had been named "The U."
The U became somewhat of an urban legend after that. Anybody who pissed us off for any reason was runningthe risk of getting beat up and put in the U. We'd do it at parties, at school, at the mall. It got to the point where if we even threatened to put someone in the U he would smarten up right away.
I let two other friends put me in it once just to experience what it felt like. It's the most horrible thing ever. You can't move, you can't scream, you can't breathe, you can't even tap out. All you can do is wait and hope that whatever two assholes have you in it are not too drunk to wait until you're dead or broken in half to let you go.
Those were fun times back then.

Some examples:

^Something very disturbing about this one for some reason.^

None of the above Us come even close to the drunken, drug-fueled brutality of any of the beatdowns we handed out back in high school. But we would always talk about how awesome it would be to see the U used on WWE (it was WWF back then, before it turned into the bullshit that it is now) but it never happened. They came close once on ECW but even that didn't measure up. Even now more than 10 years later it looks like The U has only made its way into indie level wrestling promotions and is still pretty rare at that. Hopefully we'll see more of it in the future. There might be a tag team on TNA worthy of using it.